If familiar with the emotional ups and downs between mother daughter relationships, being adopted didn't make this relationship any easier.
We talk about romantic love being the most powerful love. Movies and books and news outlets talk about it and fills our society about it as the most powerful type of love. I'll admit maybe I am jaded. But as I reflect my mother's love for me and my love for her is the deepest type of love I have experienced. We talk about blood is thicker than water as well but my mother adopted me and chose to love me. She didn't birth me so I feel there was never an obligation she had to fulfil for having me. So for that I feel her love at a more deeper level. As the years went by it oddly snuck up on me. From child to teenager to younger adult up until her death. My love for her changed and my appreciation for her changed as time progressed. She wasn't easy to love and so I guess it even surprised me more that I found myself so protective of her when I felt she was being mistreated.
“All I ever wanted was my mother to get treatment for her paranoid schizophrenia.”
What was this mistreatment exactly? I will have to explain in another post. My instincts to become protective over my mother felt as if it came out of nowhere. As I reflect thought I was always protecting my mother but usually from herself. Now I was finding myself protecting her from an actual evil force. That was the probate court system and her biological family.
Loving my mother continually
Loving my mother wasn't easy. There are probably more bad things I remember than good. I know deep down she loved me the best she could in her own way. She abused me emotionally and physically. She belittled me and made me think I couldn't do anything without her. She was definitely a narcissist. She lived in a constant fantasy world. I know deep down she wanted the best for me and herself. She had big dreams that never came into fruition. She wanted me to be happy but in her vision of what happiness and success looked like in her mind. As she got older she continued to express her wishes in the most difficult manner. She couldn't just say I want to live with my daughter. She would ask me to stay with her at her living facility. Or she would talk about how she is leaving to be with her new husband. It got harder and harder with every visit and/or conversation. I know in her heart all she wanted was a family and we were her family and we just never got the real opportunity to be there for her like I would have if given the opportunity. All I ever wanted was my mother to get treatment for her paranoid schizophrenia. #mentalillness #mentalhealth #parents #familytraumas #generationaltraumas #schizophrenia #mother #daughter #adoption #asian #black
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